Necessary Improvements! 

It’s impossible to miss the major construction going on at Edgemont Jr/Sr High School over the past year. Most Edgemont students already know about the school’s plans to expand the cafeteria, add air conditioning to classrooms, upgrade the athletic fields, and more. However, due to some unforeseen logistical and financial issues, the administration has decided to make a few minor changes to the campus’s structural improvement plans.

Here are the 6 (or 7) changes that are being proposed: 

1. Cafeteria Expansion? Nah.
   Forget having more lunch tables and a place to eat that isn’t the gym. The expanded cafeteria building is no longer being converted into a cafeteria, rather the home of the school’s new centerpiece: an LED-lit gold panther fountain. According to the administration, this “magnificent” fountain will “beautify the campus and assert our dominance over the four other panther mascots in Westchester.”
     

2. Air Conditioning? Eco-Friendly Fans Instead.
   It’s 2026. Who the hell still uses polluting AC units on hot days? If we learned anything in AP Environmental Science, it is that they are terrible for the environment! The new plan is to provide every student with a single “cost-effective, school-branded, eco-friendly paper fan.” Sounds great, right? Just don’t lose it; that’s a $15 fine.
     

3. Senior Lot Becomes EV Paradise
   Sorry, future seniors with gas-powered cars. Starting next year, the senior lot will become an EV-only parking zone. This initiative, in collaboration with the Greenburgh Nature Center, is designed to “teach responsibility and sustainability.” Seniors with combustion-driven vehicles will have to park elsewhere or simply walk to school. Consider this a senior fitness program. On the bright side, seniors with gas-powered cars will be given a pass to sign out of PE! 

4. Baseball & Softball Fields are Striking Out
   The initial plan to replace the baseball and softball fields with turf has been scrapped, and a more economical option is being implemented. These fields will now be turned into something useful: a massive solar panel farm. The energy harvested on this farm will power classroom lights and, most importantly, the new panther fountain. 

5. From STEAM Room to Steam Room
   Edgemont has scrapped the plan to build new STEAM classrooms and is turning the LGI into a sauna. Administrators say the shift will encourage students to “sweat out” their academic stress in a 120-degree environment. “It’s still STEAM,” said the superintendent, “just with less robotics and more humidity.” The district will now be providing students with waterproof Chromebooks.
     

6. Grade Transparency with the A-Building Renovations 

With the A-Building’s planned renovation, the administration has decided to make EHS building names “more meaningful.” Starting next year, students will be assigned to buildings based on their grades. A-students will report exclusively to the A-Building, B-students to the B-building, and so on. The district says that it will “motivate students to step up their game” through the scientifically proven method of good, old-fashioned shame.

7. Creation of the Department of Cellular Corrections 

Finally, in response to the New York State classroom phone ban, Edgemont is taking a new approach by forming its very own Department of Cellular Corrections (DCC). Under the new policy, any student who is caught on their phone will have it confiscated and thrown into the new Panther Fountain, where it will then be donated. The only way to stop your phone from being discarded is through the seemingly impossible task of wearing an ID around your neck for the entire day.   

Based on these changes to the initial improvement plans, one thing is clear: Edgemont’s definition of “necessary improvements” has gone far beyond the average school’s understanding of modernizing. While other school districts focus on improving their HVAC systems or expanding their seating areas for the growing school population, Edgemont refuses to think small. Why improve learning conditions when you can save money on electricity for a beautiful fountain by installing solar panels? Why allow for more parking when you can save the environment through a cleaner air initiative in the senior lot? The district’s vision for the future is bold, and according to one administrator, “75% sustainable, 25% spiritual.” 

Of course, students, faculty, and parents will wonder whether these changes will actually improve life on campus or just turn the school into a social experiment. But remember one thing: at Edgemont, progress isn’t measured by practical benchmarks; rather, it’s gauged by the degree to which the school demonstrates that we think way outside the box.